I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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