just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
