tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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