i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
