Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
