This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
