Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
