It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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