Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm always down for nudity.
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