dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
