Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm getting married
To pizza
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
