when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
