I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
