So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
