Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
