I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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