And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
