Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
