I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
