dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
