She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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