last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
