I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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