I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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