sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
