i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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