You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
