You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
