Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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