I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This is my gift to your gina
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
