It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
