I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
