hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
