worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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