dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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