i think my tv is drunk
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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