Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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