Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I wear drunk well.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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