Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
