I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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