Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
