So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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