i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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