you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
