i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
