I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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