I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
