I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
