A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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