Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
