There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
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You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
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the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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