I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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