we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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