Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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