the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
All I want is dick and wine.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
