At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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