Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
