I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
