Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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